I knew it could happen. But I also wasn't quite sure I could get it to go the way I did.
I've been really craving cock for a while. I'd played a while back with a lover of one of my paramours, and the three of us had a nice time. He is big - yum - and has a nice sensuousness I like. I knew then that I wanted more. Tried a few times to get something to happen, but....
So last week I had so many crises I wasn't sure what was happening. Among them was a very tough one that involved this very same paramour. She has a lover that, well, I don't really get along with too well. But at any rate, turns out that in the past week, this same lover had sex with an old girlfriend... who turns out to be a needle user. Major red flags go up. She and I haven't done anything of late, so I'm past the sense that I'm the contaminant, but... lots of hard hard emotions here. So I decide I need to talk to many others. And I do. And this guy is one. I knew he'd have good perspectives - and he did. We talked that for an hour over a beer and a hot tub together. Very nice.
That being done, it was inside for a quick post-tub rinse, and then ....
"So, what's you pleasure?" (My colloquialism for wondering what you want to do next).
"Eh? What do you mean?"
"Well, what would you like to do?"
Quiet thought. Then a few minutes later...
"I don't know. What would you like to do?"
"Play". Holy fuck! I said it. I asked.
"Ok". And we head upstairs.
Oh it is sooo nice to be with someone who can let go deeply. So nice to be able to let ME go so deeply. And we did.
He is so nicely endowed. Uncut. Clean as a whistle. Sensuous. Mmmm. I gave it it up to him for almost an hour. He admitted he had a lot of trouble coming for anyone (I had heard that). I was ok with it, as it was SO nice to go at it. Even after he said he needed a break, I gently kept a lite stroke going and mmm it was good.
We did have to stop - he had obligatory phone calls - his own life has many deep hurts now.
But there'll be more.
And it's almost scary, makes me a little giddy, to think that next time? I won't pause. I'll touch, stroke, seduce and act... Yum.
Sunday, June 07, 2009
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Winter Fire - post-processing #1
Hotel events are always fraught with risk.
There's the hotel itself: is it suitable for this kind of event? Are the facilities ok? Is the hotel staff ok? What kinds of other guests are around?
There's the intersection of event and hotel, and all the above questions are asked against the setting and goals of the event itself.
This year's Dark Odyssey Winter Fire was good.
For the first time, I brought a much loved partner. (I'm a total goofball lovesick puppy around her, but that's a whole different post!). It altered the landscape in interesting ways.
I led the Orientation sessions, something I really like to do. There's not many better ways to help first time attendees feel ok. This year was certainly no exception. Good attendance, too: 50+ at the first one, 12 at the 2nd (classes began at this point), 7 at the third. Then on Sat, 15 at # 1, 12 at #2. Pretty good numbers. One of my points this years was around hotel relations - wow, was this a challenge! Not only was 90% of the event in the bottom of the place, which meant you had to go through the main lobby and down 3 escalators, but... first we had a pre-existing conference (all grownups, looked pretty civilian like to me!) THEN we had an attack of 15 year old volleyball girls. Holy crap! The look one gets walking through the lobby in a fun fetish outfit and being "observed" by these folks is... well... priceless. Overall, it seemed to me that went really well. No serious problems. And at one point, I recall watching a rather well known attendee, well outfitted as a strong top, lead what for all intents and purposes looked a LOT like a CampFire girl circle... on making chain mail! How cool is that? I was so impressed.
And after the Friday orientation sessions, I had one attendee from Summer camp come up to me and tell me how much he really appreciated my orientation there as it made him feel so welcome and so ok. I really like that kind of feedback!
Workshops:
I gave two this year - Body Image and Bisexuality. Both went really well.
The Body Image workshop is always one I find really hard, and this year it was even tougher. I went in, for the first time ever, really self-aware about how much my own issues (cancer) had affected my head, not just my body. In fact, I have no physical scars, but the whole thing has really been an emotional roller coaster. As I always have, I open with my own "story" and I disrobed in front of everyone.... and realized I was feeling a lot like I was going to lose it completely. I regained my footing, thankfully, and the workshop went on. These are ALWAYS hard stories. We all seem to have learned how to despise ourselves, and it shows up and hangs around forEVER, mutilating our psyches and wounding our egos and making interaction, much less play or even ASKING for some a really hard process. This one was, as so many of them are, a self-organizing (or perhaps self-REorganizing!) process. No matter how hard I try to fix a set structure, it seems to take on a life of its own. It was moving, painful, happy and sad as the participants got up and revealed emotional and physical selves. I seek ways to get both more time for all the participants and ways to get them to open themselves up more deeply. This is, in the end, a healing process.
Bisexuality panel was a surprise. I had not done this for a while - last time was at Summer Camp, and was very lightly attended. This one, though, had good attendance, and included several self-declared gay men, which was a huge plus. I wanted to try and get everyone to evoke their own ideas about who they felt they were, how they defined themselves, and so had them do a Klein grid. It's fun to do, as for some, it does tend to push a button about who they feel they are. Here, it had an effect. One participant was clearly in distress, sadly, about their feelings of being so far outside the norm. The stories here are oddly parallel to the ones in the image workshop: people struggle HARD to overcome not just outside influences (the usual suspects) but their own inner demons (or for those with a good sense of ITese: inner daemons - yes, Virginia, they often do run on automatic and they start right up when the body rouses!). Overall, I was pretty happy with it all. It was a good discussion, a good sharing, and getting the perspectives of the two men really helped put a finer point on how s.o. functions, not just in a larger world, but within each of us.
I think for me the part that was challenging here was being with a partner. While I will readily admit that prior to the event, I silently entertained an almost endless stream of vivid fantasies about what might happen with her around, I felt very conflicted when there. It seemed that I stumbled around the basics: what did she want? What was her button to be pushed? Was what I felt inside something she shared? Something she might want? I never really resolved these questions, and while we had some good encounters, even one pretty hot scene (alone), one scene that I felt was really bungled by me (over expectations, perhaps?), and some pretty amazing sex with each other and a very enjoyable small group, I am left with the nagging doubt around her own satisfaction. I don't know if it is significant that we didn't do the kind of post-conference processing together that we sort of alluded to as something we both wanted... getting back to reality is always a mishmash of work and catchup, and in this case is complicated by her new and shiny hot lover that I knew she wanted desperately to get back to. Would I do it this way again? I really don't know. Part of me loves the aloneness and the mystery of going by myself. It is both terrifying and rewarding (though the rewards are admittedly few when alone). WF poses its own set of unique challenges, and those no doubt contributed to the sense of disconnect I felt then. But I wonder how I would have managed on my own. I wonder really if she would have even gone if I had not been so persistent, given her new love at home. HArd to tell. Summer camp looms, that is my big alone event. I can say this, that compared to last year's WF, when I was on my own, but still very very raw from the dissolution of the past relationship, this year was roses.
There's the hotel itself: is it suitable for this kind of event? Are the facilities ok? Is the hotel staff ok? What kinds of other guests are around?
There's the intersection of event and hotel, and all the above questions are asked against the setting and goals of the event itself.
This year's Dark Odyssey Winter Fire was good.
For the first time, I brought a much loved partner. (I'm a total goofball lovesick puppy around her, but that's a whole different post!). It altered the landscape in interesting ways.
I led the Orientation sessions, something I really like to do. There's not many better ways to help first time attendees feel ok. This year was certainly no exception. Good attendance, too: 50+ at the first one, 12 at the 2nd (classes began at this point), 7 at the third. Then on Sat, 15 at # 1, 12 at #2. Pretty good numbers. One of my points this years was around hotel relations - wow, was this a challenge! Not only was 90% of the event in the bottom of the place, which meant you had to go through the main lobby and down 3 escalators, but... first we had a pre-existing conference (all grownups, looked pretty civilian like to me!) THEN we had an attack of 15 year old volleyball girls. Holy crap! The look one gets walking through the lobby in a fun fetish outfit and being "observed" by these folks is... well... priceless. Overall, it seemed to me that went really well. No serious problems. And at one point, I recall watching a rather well known attendee, well outfitted as a strong top, lead what for all intents and purposes looked a LOT like a CampFire girl circle... on making chain mail! How cool is that? I was so impressed.
And after the Friday orientation sessions, I had one attendee from Summer camp come up to me and tell me how much he really appreciated my orientation there as it made him feel so welcome and so ok. I really like that kind of feedback!
Workshops:
I gave two this year - Body Image and Bisexuality. Both went really well.
The Body Image workshop is always one I find really hard, and this year it was even tougher. I went in, for the first time ever, really self-aware about how much my own issues (cancer) had affected my head, not just my body. In fact, I have no physical scars, but the whole thing has really been an emotional roller coaster. As I always have, I open with my own "story" and I disrobed in front of everyone.... and realized I was feeling a lot like I was going to lose it completely. I regained my footing, thankfully, and the workshop went on. These are ALWAYS hard stories. We all seem to have learned how to despise ourselves, and it shows up and hangs around forEVER, mutilating our psyches and wounding our egos and making interaction, much less play or even ASKING for some a really hard process. This one was, as so many of them are, a self-organizing (or perhaps self-REorganizing!) process. No matter how hard I try to fix a set structure, it seems to take on a life of its own. It was moving, painful, happy and sad as the participants got up and revealed emotional and physical selves. I seek ways to get both more time for all the participants and ways to get them to open themselves up more deeply. This is, in the end, a healing process.
Bisexuality panel was a surprise. I had not done this for a while - last time was at Summer Camp, and was very lightly attended. This one, though, had good attendance, and included several self-declared gay men, which was a huge plus. I wanted to try and get everyone to evoke their own ideas about who they felt they were, how they defined themselves, and so had them do a Klein grid. It's fun to do, as for some, it does tend to push a button about who they feel they are. Here, it had an effect. One participant was clearly in distress, sadly, about their feelings of being so far outside the norm. The stories here are oddly parallel to the ones in the image workshop: people struggle HARD to overcome not just outside influences (the usual suspects) but their own inner demons (or for those with a good sense of ITese: inner daemons - yes, Virginia, they often do run on automatic and they start right up when the body rouses!). Overall, I was pretty happy with it all. It was a good discussion, a good sharing, and getting the perspectives of the two men really helped put a finer point on how s.o. functions, not just in a larger world, but within each of us.
I think for me the part that was challenging here was being with a partner. While I will readily admit that prior to the event, I silently entertained an almost endless stream of vivid fantasies about what might happen with her around, I felt very conflicted when there. It seemed that I stumbled around the basics: what did she want? What was her button to be pushed? Was what I felt inside something she shared? Something she might want? I never really resolved these questions, and while we had some good encounters, even one pretty hot scene (alone), one scene that I felt was really bungled by me (over expectations, perhaps?), and some pretty amazing sex with each other and a very enjoyable small group, I am left with the nagging doubt around her own satisfaction. I don't know if it is significant that we didn't do the kind of post-conference processing together that we sort of alluded to as something we both wanted... getting back to reality is always a mishmash of work and catchup, and in this case is complicated by her new and shiny hot lover that I knew she wanted desperately to get back to. Would I do it this way again? I really don't know. Part of me loves the aloneness and the mystery of going by myself. It is both terrifying and rewarding (though the rewards are admittedly few when alone). WF poses its own set of unique challenges, and those no doubt contributed to the sense of disconnect I felt then. But I wonder how I would have managed on my own. I wonder really if she would have even gone if I had not been so persistent, given her new love at home. HArd to tell. Summer camp looms, that is my big alone event. I can say this, that compared to last year's WF, when I was on my own, but still very very raw from the dissolution of the past relationship, this year was roses.
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Winter Fire
This is a first for me. I've never brought a partner to any Dark Odyssey event. This year, I am. It's scary, exciting, thrilling. We travel well together, we play well together. Our relationship has grown deeply, and I feel really safe around her, really ready to have us both be together and apart at the same time. She'll find playmates, I'm *quite* sure of that; hopefully I will too, and we'll both be ok with it all, reconvening for good snuggles and cuddles and kisses. It's an adventure.
And one thing I really am wanting this time is a deep cathartic experience of being topped.
It's such an boundary layer between the imagined and the real. We think of activities, fantasies and things we are sure can be real. But the actual reality is always so different.
Part of me thinks that human communications is so poor that it is amazing we ever get together at all!
And one thing I really am wanting this time is a deep cathartic experience of being topped.
It's such an boundary layer between the imagined and the real. We think of activities, fantasies and things we are sure can be real. But the actual reality is always so different.
Part of me thinks that human communications is so poor that it is amazing we ever get together at all!
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